Cynical Witticisms

So rather than bore you to sniffles with the whole “Hi, my name is Whatever. I’m from some remote location. I like poodles and lollipops, I’ll just get right down to business. Basically my entire outlook on life can be summed up in the following:

Now, usually when you look up quotes to live by, you’ll find the typical “OH LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL” quotes. We don’t do that here…

LIFE LESSON: I am Christina. I am one of billions of people on this earth. This is the earth, it is one of 8 planets in the solar system (since gravitation pull said fuck you to Pluto). This is our universe. It is one of God knows how many universes we don’t even know exist. So the next time you’re feeling egotistical just pull out a globe or an atlas and remind yourself how truly insignificant you are.

1. Who ceases to be a friend can kiss my ass.

2. Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: “FUCK YOU!”

3. Any failure will tell you, you suck.

4. If the Creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, He surely meant us to break it.

5. Today’s preparation determines NOTHING.

6. To believe a thing is impossible is likely to be realistic.

7. If you do it right 51% of the time, you’re missing 49%.

8. The only place that success comes before hard work is everywhere nowadays.

9. Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around their neck that says: “Make me feel important.” Then keep walking.

10. Success.. seems to be connected with action. You give action to the right person and you’ll be successful.

11. If you want the rainbow, buy a bag of skittles.

12. The difference between a mountain and a molehill is that you can fall down one and trip over the other.

13. You never know what you can do until your psychiatrist tells you otherwise.

14. Not everything that is faced can be changed: This is a harsh reality for the makeup industry.

15. The only people who never fail are assholes.

16. Nothing great will ever be achieved without great men, so I guess we’re all screwed.

17. If you can dream it, you should forget it.

18. Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to blow shit up.

19. Never lose sight of the fact that the most important yardstick of your success will be his penis.

20. Luck is infatuated with assholes.

21. Success comes in cans, failure in barrels.

22. Small opportunities are often the beginning of big rejection.

23. When the sun rises, all hell breaks loose.

24. There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good cookie.

25. When life hands you lemons, throw them at people.

Yours truly,

Reality

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Published in: on August 2, 2009 at 4:03 AM  Comments (2)  
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