THE SURGEON GENERAL WAS WRONG!

Studies indicate that smoking actually saves lives! In a recent experiment, 100 smokers and 100 non-smokers were placed in a room with 50 hyperactive children that closely resembled monkeys on acid. The smokers were told to smoke as much as they pleased while the non-smokers were told that under no circumstances could they ask a smoker for a cigarette.

The experiment was conducted over the course of 48 hours in which the demons children were screaming,  crying and jumping all over the participants. After the first 2 hours, 40 non-smokers were engaged in ultimate fights with the children (and losing). 20 were curled up in a ball on the floor. 15 were staring into space. 10 were crying hysterically. 10 were scaling the walls trying to find a way out. And 5 were banging their heads against the wall. All were asking for cigarettes.

No smokers were harmed during this experiment.

See how happy we are?

“Style By Jury” Increases My Fury

“Style By Jury” yet another show that people go on to be criticized for their appearance. Just a brief message to the powers that be in televison: WHY!? Must we be tortured so? Everytime I sit down in front of the television I feel like I’m receiving Clockwork Orange style rehabilitation. For those who don’t know.. that’s being strapped to a chair with your eyes pryed open while you are bombarded with horse shit imagery.

Are the minds of televison writers so desolate that we need another makeover show? Enough with the makeovers, weight loss, home improvement, and shows about why rich people are superior life forms. Who really gives a shit? Who really cares what people look like? And most importantly why should it matter? Just have a show called “Sucks to be You” and scrutinize every minute detail of a person down to the eyelash that’s poorly proportioned to the nose. Why not continue increasing the eating disorders and mental illnesses that are sweeping the country?

We don’t need any more reasons to hate ourselves.. life sucks on it’s own. Everybody would change at least one thing about themselves but what about things that are important? You got breast implants? Congrats they’re eventually gonna sag worse than granny’s. You got veneers? Awesome! Mister Ed needs a stunt double. You got a facelift? Fantastic! Now you can blink your lips. Give me a break.

I’m going to write a show called “Asshole” and you know what we’re going to criticize? Women who act like nobel prize winners because they have a nice rack. Read a friggen book! Men who think they’re awesome because they hook up with all kinds of chicks. The girls who think those guys actually care. He put it in you.. he does not love you. Get it right.

Part of what makes us humans superior creatures are our brains. Could we try to use them? I promise it’ll only hurt for a second!

Nike says it’s ok to be curvy

In a new ad campaign known as “Here I am”, Nike is encouraging the booty inclined women of the world to embrace their curves. That’s fantastic, although it is a bit ironic that a fitness brand is promoting curves. The gesture is most greatly appreciated, however it still caters to the broomstick with a head standard that dominates the world. Basically, Nike is telling women “Have a nice badunk, but make sure you buy our sneakers, do some lunges and round it out.” I am not particularly for the whole sexist argument because quite frankly, it is irrelevant. Nevertheless fitness and self acceptance inevitably counteract each other.

I applaud the folks over at Mademan.com who are praising the new ad. That alone should eliminate this entire sexist argument. It is most interesting though.. Most men claim to like chicks with “more to love”, “curves”, “more cushion for the pushin’” etc. Still, as they give the thumbs up to these things they still pursue the slim, fake baked, half naked, gallon makeup wearing clones formerly known as women. It’s hard to believe you love those gorgeous curvy women when you have photographs of 4 other women whose upper arms I could fit my hand around just an inch away.

All I’m saying is be honest. You all want the fit piece yet claim to love the curvy and voluptuous. If you did that’s what would be on your sites. No hostility here, I’m just baffled by the conflicting claims that men make.

Nice try Nike, but men are men. They see a great butt in fitted shorts, not the underlying social critique.

Killing Barbie.

Here is this curvy gals stance on the social norm and to each his own.

OJ Simpson did not receive a fair trial!

As criminals are convicted all over the country, the Nevada Supreme Court is currently debating whether or not to release OJ and friend from prison. The two were convicted of armed robbery and kidnapping, crimes that carry a mandatory prison sentence. Subsequently, the pair were denied release pending their appeals. It seems awfully unfair that these men would not be allowed to walk the streets after committing a crime of such magnitude. The injustice is even greater because the two were tried together. In light of this, CJ Stewart’s lawyer claims that the trial was prejudicial against his client. Why does he feel this way? Because Stewart had to sit alongside Simpson. Why oh why should Stewart, a mere thief and kidnapper have to sit next to a murderer? The preconceptions are abounding! After all, the conviction has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Stewart committed the crime WITH Simpson. Meanwhile, OJ’s lawyer Yale Galanter assures that his client will abide by the terms of his release. Simpson learned his lesson in time-out: Murder, armed robbery and kidnapping are bad! The trial was completely bogus and unfounded. Nobody deserves to be released more than Simpson and Stewart!

A good friend will come bail you out of jail, a great friend will be sitting next to you saying: "Don't worry man, I got off for murder."

The problem with “reality”

It's a pretty picture.. end of story.

The term “reality” is defined in several ways when in actuality it is quite simple: If you can see it, touch it, taste it, hear it, or smell it.. it’s real. End of story. Enough of this modern and postmodern philosophizing that sounds something like.. “Blah blah blah.. nothing is actually real.”

Ok.. while you live your science fiction convoluted version of “we’re not really here”, I’ll walk my dog, drink a cup of coffee, have a cigarette, eat some food and have a couple beers.

The problem really began when someone decided to distinguish between subjective and objective reality. Essentially, the idea with “subjective” is that everyone has their “own” reality. I suppose that’s why when everyone else said “Oh my god bombs are falling!” someone else said “Yay fireworks!” By the way.. that was probably me. Anywhoozle.. there is a term for people who see things differently in spite of evidence: DELUSIONAL.

Someone unworthy of notation once said: “The pen has a secret life more intense than most humans.” Uhh…… yeah, you know my Bic Ultimate has a collection of leatherbound books and is getting it on with one kinky paperclip.

Get freaky!

The problem with serial killers

DISCLAIMER: I would like to state in advance that I in no way advocate actual murder.

BUT… think about this. More often than not, serial killers target innocent people. Obviously, this is a major problem for society. However, wouldn’t it be great if serial killers went after the scum of the universe? If you said no it’s probably because you are a serial killer yourself. Now, I understand that part of the thrill of murder for most is the helplessness of the victim. That’s been done. Others murder because they are rebelling or exacting revenge. Old news.  Still, others murder simply because they are amoral. Well, that’s great, but since we are living in one of the most amoral times what better way to make a statement than to murder assholes? Now I got you thinking..

So calling all axe murderers of the world.. next time you break in on a 90 year old woman making tea, instead go next door and perform a public service and get rid of the lying, cheating, embezzling, fraudulent, or otherwise useless and draining on society piece of shit.

Cynical Witticisms

So rather than bore you to sniffles with the whole “Hi, my name is Whatever. I’m from some remote location. I like poodles and lollipops, I’ll just get right down to business. Basically my entire outlook on life can be summed up in the following:

Now, usually when you look up quotes to live by, you’ll find the typical “OH LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL” quotes. We don’t do that here…

LIFE LESSON: I am Christina. I am one of billions of people on this earth. This is the earth, it is one of 8 planets in the solar system (since gravitation pull said fuck you to Pluto). This is our universe. It is one of God knows how many universes we don’t even know exist. So the next time you’re feeling egotistical just pull out a globe or an atlas and remind yourself how truly insignificant you are.

1. Who ceases to be a friend can kiss my ass.

2. Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: “FUCK YOU!”

3. Any failure will tell you, you suck.

4. If the Creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, He surely meant us to break it.

5. Today’s preparation determines NOTHING.

6. To believe a thing is impossible is likely to be realistic.

7. If you do it right 51% of the time, you’re missing 49%.

8. The only place that success comes before hard work is everywhere nowadays.

9. Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around their neck that says: “Make me feel important.” Then keep walking.

10. Success.. seems to be connected with action. You give action to the right person and you’ll be successful.

11. If you want the rainbow, buy a bag of skittles.

12. The difference between a mountain and a molehill is that you can fall down one and trip over the other.

13. You never know what you can do until your psychiatrist tells you otherwise.

14. Not everything that is faced can be changed: This is a harsh reality for the makeup industry.

15. The only people who never fail are assholes.

16. Nothing great will ever be achieved without great men, so I guess we’re all screwed.

17. If you can dream it, you should forget it.

18. Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to blow shit up.

19. Never lose sight of the fact that the most important yardstick of your success will be his penis.

20. Luck is infatuated with assholes.

21. Success comes in cans, failure in barrels.

22. Small opportunities are often the beginning of big rejection.

23. When the sun rises, all hell breaks loose.

24. There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good cookie.

25. When life hands you lemons, throw them at people.

Yours truly,

Reality

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